“What is a man to do in order to discover how to live with his heart…when he would rather be lost at sea as opposed to being what he often finds himself…lost at land?
Is his current port to be a thin line between test and torture… a delicate divide between serving in his place and time, and the insatiable desire for seeking the unknown, truly living alongside the destitute…defending those who are unable to defend themselves.
Is he in need of rescue, ever and always, more than he feels the need to rescue? Is it really as simple as he deems it when no one is around to hear…when his audience are pillows and ceilings…does he just want to find family…people to Love on…not out of Godly obligation, but b/c they are so created to incite all that is within him; Every capable fiber of affection I have they call home, like a lighthouse does the wanderer.
To find people to call family…I thought they were found in Scotland, and to an undeniable degree they were, but Lord, You know that cannot be well with my soul…they are forever family…but not mine to live along side…at least not right now. I cannot serve there knowing I would detract from Your Kingdom in that place…and your Kingdom Lord is far more dear than any longing for family I might possess.
And yet still Lord, I sit, I wait, more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning… wondering where I would have to go to find my niche…my place in this world…to find my Godly vantage in this fallen surrounding…what odd Lovers they make at times. Will you build walls around the home in my heart you have created…ones I can reach out and wrap tight in my arms? Will you soon show me where you want me…even if it’s right here, or where I used to be…or where I would only dream of going? I have ideas Father, hunches, and dreams at the ready…so many in fact, but I know Your timing must come first. I don’t want to fly without You. You must lay bare the path, beckon the faith, and illuminate all that has benighted me these days. I love you and want You to hear, as plainly as possible, I do desire a niche to fall into, headlong, with my heart at the ready…ready to get exhausted for others…for You.
I want to be a conquistador for your gospel…not just taking it to the ends of anywhere and everywhere, but conquering those places, claiming them for You. If I am supposed to be able to do that here then please allow me to do this by Your grace and power. But if not, please make ready my heart alongside my patience, as long as is needed, to see meekness and willingness to their perfect ends and beginnings in waiting well on Your timing…on the family You have appointed me.
I ask as a child unknowing…where is such a man to go in order to find strength, trial and peace in his heart if he desires family, and yet sees the whole world as such? Where is his family when all the world vies for candidacy, as well as boldly withholds all of itself from being the answer. Where must a man go in such times? I long to drink from that fountain!
And yet, with those longings come others…as deeply rooted in truth as anything else. I now find the thoughts of finding a place in this world able to riddle me so helpless that I have nothing left to do but give them to you…both out of wisdom and obediance, as well as finding myself incapable.
I find the family I seek to be as elusive as believing that one day I will fall in Love with someone else… the subtle line between my reality and God’s romance…
Much like peering through a dim morning mist, straining your eyes to see the sunrise that has not yet been called forth. In that moment my eyes would sting with Your effort, and all too easily be found wanting and outmatched when You, as timely sunrise, come alas.
Because of my unbelief and selfish endevour I do strain under my own effort, fighting through the intentional mists to see what has yet to be revealed. Forgive my unbelief; As the one who desires to rescue is ever in need of being re-rescued himself. And yet…without a family, and someone to Love on more than any other…I fear I may never really live, but offer only vauge traces and shadows of what is left of my failing heart. Help me be here, so I can go there…wherever there is.”Forgive a little boy for having to tug on your coat-tail with only this on his lips…For I know you fulfill Lord God. This is why I corral all the clamor in my heart and let it bellow true and simple off my parched lips…Help me Love you…more…and more…and more. More of Your Papa-God!